In Which ParagraphPlanet.com Accepts My Seventy-Five Word Submission

I know it sounds pretentious … Okay, I know, I know. But that’s how the academics say it. In which, therefore, therewith, therewithout … it’s upper class lingo …

No, I don’t  think I’m better than you. Okay. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. Yes, I know you’re sensitive this time of year. Okay. It won’t happen again. Yes, promise. Can I tell my news now?

I received word from an extremely erudite fellow named Richard that ParagraphPlanet.com will publish my exactly seventy-five word piece on Nov. 15, 2014. I’m excited. See? You’ve taken the wind out of my sails.

I should’ve have written, “I’m so excited!”, but I couldn’t because the earlier drama sucked the life out of me. No, I’m not blaming you.

No, I don’t hate you. Don’t sulk. No you’re not a bad person. You’re the best person I know. Let’s be positive, speak some truth to power or what have you therewith, hitherto and heretofore and such, and have a good time. I am excited. I promise. Yes, I’m so excited!

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The Real Reason I Created A WordPress.Com Hosted Blog (No, It Was Not For The Free Pickles.)

Don’t get me wrong, the free pickles are great, but there’s a much more important reason I created this blog.

What? You didn’t get free pickles when you signed up for a blog? I don’t know what to tell ya. Maybe it was a November promotion because someone added a few extra zeros to  the WordPress company’s weekly pickle order as a joke and the CEO was tired of maneuvering around cases of pickles in his office just so he could ask his assistant for a cup of coffee, a crueler and the MP3 of Steve Jobs’ unabridged biography as narrated by Ashton Kutcher … I don’t know. Anyway, that’s not important right now.

What is important is the reason I, who already maintains http://www.mattwritesanything.com, decided to create another vanity project/blog dedicated wholly to my favorite subject — floppy eared puppies!

Just kidding. My favorite subject is you. Don’t get upset. Look, I’m sorry. It was a joke. I didn’t mean it about the puppies. Of course you’re my number one favorite subject followed at a very, very great distance by floppy eared puppies.

The way I see it, like the Roman Coliseum or The Christian Church,  WordPress will be around for a long time after I’m gone. Sure, it may be in shambles and a mere shadow of its former self, but I’m certain it will stand long after I’ve fallen for the last time.

So, without anyone to pay my hosting fees for http://www.mattwritesanything.com or my domain name renewal registration fees, WordPress.com is vital.

What’s that? Why do I care if my blog stays up after I’m dead? And If I really cared about longevity, wouldn’t I have chosen one of Google’s platforms?

Sigh. You couldn’t have said all this a few hours ago?

Yesterday I Won A Micro Flash Fiction Contest, Got An Honorable Mention In Another And Today I Didn’t Win A Thing. This Week Is Going Downhill Fast.

Just kidding about the downhill stuff. Life is pretty okay. I wasn’t joking about the flash fiction contests. This week was my second win and third honorable mention in the two weekly contests I’ve participated in over the last three weeks.

I was so stoked (yes, stoked) I submitted 75 words to ParagraphPlanet.com. When you’re hot ya gotta take full vantage and also wear plenty of deodorant  cuz of bein’ hot and all cuz let’s say you was to win and stuff you wouldn’t want to smell up the joint and get kicked out for bein’ all smelly and junk.

If it wasn’t clear to you, which I’m certain it was, but just in case, that  up there, what you just read, was a super superb (so super in fact, I had to add another letter to it) impression of the Beaver from Leave It To Beaver.

What was my winning submission? Nosey little thing aren’t you? I mean, this is only my second blog post and we just met and all. I’m not sure I’m ready to go that far yet.

I mean, a guy’s gotta feel comfortable and all. If we go too fast next thing you’ll want a joint checking account and for me to leave the door open when I’m um … er .. reading.

Okay, okay. Don’t cry. I didn’t mean it that way. I like you. Yes, I really do. No, I’m not trying to alienate you. Here, see, I’ll share the flash fiction with you. (You big baby.)

106 words
@mattlashley_
beginning word has to be: cross, ending word has to be: dominant, photo prompt: old abandoned swimming pool

Directions from a Dirty Vagrant
“Cross the tracks, take a right on Wilshire. Old community pool be on the left.” The dirty vagrant held out a hand like a bellhop in a five star hotel. I pressed a single into his filthy paw just hard enough to let him know there wasn’t any more coming. With his free hand, he grabbed my outstretched arm by the elbow and pulled me close, a power move I’d seen politicians and CEOs use then he grinned, displaying scattered blackened nubs, gifts from a life-altering meth addiction. When he released me, I ran toward the tracks, humiliatingly subservient. Behind me he laughed, deliriously dominant.

Ah. The Initial Post. I’m So Excited I’m Shaking Like A D-List Celebrity In Rehab.

And so a few keystrokes later and a bottom left click on the trackpad and he’s off! Off his meds that is. Off to the races? Would ya believe off his rocker?

He wonders: In which universe is he sitting alone typing these words? Better yet, in which universe is he sitting alone on a sunny beach typing these words? Even better — which universe is he sitting on a perfectly trim sailboat with everyone he loves not typing these words because his hands are busy reeling in a terribly ornery sailfish?